Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
