Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
