Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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