Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
