HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
