I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the day after is always just damage control
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
