I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
