The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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