she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
