dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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