I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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