I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
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