I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
