My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
is that a dick in a sweater?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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