I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
