Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
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so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
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Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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