Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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