so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
