I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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