I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
