I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
