ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
