Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
