it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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