You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
