Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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