you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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