sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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