We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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