I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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