we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
