That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
