He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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