just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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