I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I look better un-naked...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
