clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I think my nap took me to another dimension
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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