This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
