I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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