so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
