hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
