I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
