This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
