there's paper in my vomit.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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