Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
