i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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