and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
