I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
my liver is dry heaving
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
