apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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