Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
