I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
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just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
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We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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