oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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