Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
