just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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