Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
