The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Everclear isn't food dammit
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
